Reasons to Smile
by Labrynth
Summary: Post UFO Convention reflections by Isabel.


Disclaimer: Can't say I own the characters. Ok, I could, but I'd be lying. This is from Isabel, after the book scene in The UFO Convention. The poor girl was doing some serious hurting. 

*******

Reasons to Smile

When I saw him walking around, trying to decide if he should actually knock, it made me smile. I hadn't realized until then really, how easily he could make me do that. It seems funny, you know, that one person can make your whole outlook different. Can make your day better, brighter. Can make you smile when you think you have nothing to smile about. But that's what he always seemed to do. Max says I never have enough reasons to smile. Or if I do, I never show it. But he makes me smile.

And then there was the book. In the middle of the chaos that was Roswell that week, he thought of me. A million other girls around him, and he thought of me. Girls who had never treated him badly and who would gladly date him. And he thought of me. An astronomy book, because he had said looking at the stars with me was better than a movie. Sometimes it's his simple honesty that gets me. The way he says what he thinks, how he feels, with no hesitation. I had begun to think that there wasn't anyone anymore who was just honest. Who didn't care what others thought of them, didn't care if someone knew about their feelings. But he's one of those people. And he thought of me. Though of us going out again to look at the stars. To try out the book. The smile I felt filled me at that thought.

I can't begin to describe what that meant to me. To have someone there who wanted to be with me. Just me. To share something like that. I know, to everyone stargazing isn't a huge deal, but to me it is. There are so many possibilities there, so many unknowns. Ok, so I know that it's not the same for him, but he still does it. Because of me. Because he knows how I feel. Because he would do anything to make me happy. Anything to make me smile.

It made me happy just knowing that. Just knowing that he liked me for me. And then I thought of Max and Liz. Loving each other like that, trying to pretend they don't. Trying to stay away from each other even though it kills them both to do so.

I can't do that. I can't love someone that much and know that I have to stay away from that person. I can't. I'm already alone enough. But to have someone, then give them back? To be alone after really knowing what it was not to be alone? It would hurt too bad. The pain could easily kill me.

And I tried to explain, tried to tell him, but it didn't come out right. Not a single word of it came out right. Instead it came out mean, and harsh. Came out like the Ice Princess would have said. I saw the look on his face, I felt the pain that was my fault. From the first words about date, to the word suffocating. It was all my doing.

I've never made a connection with him, never seen images from him, but I still felt it. Still felt the damage I had done to him. The hurt. The pain I had caused. I could see the threads of our friendship begin to unravel. I think that hurt the most. Knowing that I could loose what was probably my best friend of the group because I couldn't get the words out right. Couldn't explain to him that no matter how much I like him, how much I care for him, I don't want to be hurt. And I don't want him to be hurt. Loose him because I was too scared to even try.

Because I've seen Max and Liz. And even Michael and Maria. I've seen how they try to stop feeling the things they have and only end up hurting themselves or the one they are trying to protect. And it only gets in the way of those feelings, it doesn't make them go away. It doesn't make them feel any better. It only leads to the kind of hurt I hope I never have to deal with. That I can't deal with. That I'd never want him to have to deal with.

But he makes me smile. And he makes me happy. And he thinks about me. And I find myself thinking about him sometimes. You know, randomly, in class or sitting in my room. That scares me. Scares me that he can have such an influence over my life when we don't share that kind of connection that I see between Max and Liz. I shudder to think what kind of hold he would have if we ever shared that connection.

I shudder, but it also makes me tingle. Makes me feel like nothing else could ever go wrong.

But I know better. I've seen the results of such a thing. It just doesn't work. It can't work. We're just different.

And in this case, different just can't work. Different will only lead us to places we don't ever want to be. But getting there getting there would be fun

It would make me smile.

*******

Isabel closed the journal softly, letting out a faint sigh. Putting it at the back of the drawer, she closed it, then turned to her bed. With a heaviness that she couldn't explain, she dropped into the bed and jerked the sheets up over her. She could still feel his pain mingling with her own. Still feel her heart breaking piece by piece like his had.

With a deep exhalation, she closed her eyes, her hand sliding under the pillow. A finger slid against the spine of the book. A hand latched tightly onto it.

A smile touched her mouth as she drifted into sleep.


End file.
